I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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