oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
