she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
