yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
