drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
