Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
