Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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