bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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