Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
