It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
