i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's official drugs can't kill me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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