Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
