Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
