Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
