I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
is it fun? or sober?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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