you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
