I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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