Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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