so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
