Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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