I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
