smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
These tits shall not be calmed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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