Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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