No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
