I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
fuck your aforementioned shoe
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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