fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
