Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
