Soap is not a condiment
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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