p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
