There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
