I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
