Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This baby is an asshole
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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