i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
