How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Everclear isn't food dammit
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
