She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
