In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
