Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
