I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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