Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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