I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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