Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
