Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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