he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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