when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
