so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You ruined the universe
Randomize
