drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
