My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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