I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Randomize
