When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Randomize
