How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
