dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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